The Control Freak

June 8th, 2012 | Posted in Misc, Short Stories, Writing | Comments Off

Ferdinand (yes, that’s really his name) had something of a problem.

His wife was pregnant. Of course that wasn’t the problem, it was just the cause of the problem. She’s always been one of those that like to make a great big hairy deal about every little thing. The woman has never been capable of doing something simple and easy in her entire life. Her philosophy is that if something is easy then it’s just not good enough.

Ferdinand’s problem was that she was planning her baby shower. Yeah, I know that normally a woman doesn’t plan her own baby shower, her friends do that, usually to surprise her. Not Ferdinand’s wife. She has to be totally in control of everything that happens so that she can plan it to death down to the smallest conceivable detail.

His most recent assignment was to make sure that their son had at least three big brother gifts for his soon to be born younger sister. She had, of course, specified exactly what those gifts were to be and then ordered Ferdinand to take their son out to get those things.

The problem was that none of the local merchants had one of the required items in stock. Several said that they could order it but that this would take no less than a week. This was three days after the date set for the baby shower. The event could not be moved because his wife had scheduled her daughter’s birth for two days after the baby shower.

Ferdinand spent the next several days trying desperately to buy the missing item. He traveled first to neighboring towns and then farther to two larger cities looking for one retailer that had it. Nobody did.

On the day of the shower, at the time assigned to him, his son presented his gifts. His mother saw that the one item was missing and asked where it was. Ferdinand stepped in to protect his son from her considerable wrath and explained that not one store for 500 miles had it.

His wife was, to say the least, furious. She began yelling, berating him, their son, purchasing agents for stores, manufacturers, shipping companies, anyone and anything that was even remotely involved in the gift that she had ordered given not being there when it was supposed to be.

Her face darkened as she yelled. First small children began crying and soon everyone, including the adults present, were cowering in the corner weeping in abject fear. The infuriated mother continued her rant, oblivious to the terror she caused. Her face deepened in color, turing a dark shade of purple. The veins on her neck, forehead and even her arms and legs swelled, pulsing with every sylable.

Suddenly there was a loud bang, followed by total silence, her last words still echoing off the walls. Ferdinand felt a sticky wetness and cautiously looked up. His wife was gone. Where she had been standing was a newborn baby lying in a bloody mess. The mess looked very much like what you would expect if you filled a beach ball with theatrical fake blood, a small explosive and set it off.

The police were called and the story was told. They didn’t believe it at first but then the videographer Ferdinad’s wife had hired stepped forward with the video recording of the event. Ferdinand and the police watched in horror as the playback showed his wife. She was in mid rant, going full bore when suddenly she literally exploded.

Paramedics were called and the baby taken to the hospital. The police, based on the video evidence they could hardly believe but not disprove, declined to charge anyone. After a couple of days observation doctors gave the baby a clean bill of health and allowed Ferdinand to take her home.

It took him three weeks, working in his off hours, to clean up the mess that had been his wife.

These days he and his family are happier than they had ever been. Though Ferdinand still begins to growl if somebody starts to get too insistent about something.

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