Ok, so it’s no secret that I’m overweight and that I’ve started a serious effort to change that. Up until this morning I was cool with it not being a secret. Now I’m starting to think that I shouldn’t every have said anything about it… at least not where my neighbor (I’ll call him Mr. Helpful.) would ever find out about it.
You guessed it, the second he found out about it he’s just chock FULL of helpful advice and positively frightening ideas. The most recent example was his idea of a “Weight loss shake”. He invited me to his house, promising what he called a miracle cure for obesity.
I went over, wondering what sort of “genius” concoction he had up his sleeve this time. While he was telling me about how great this was I watched in growing horror as he dropped a couple scoops of ice cream into a blender, added a cup of milk, and then started grinding up a bunch of pills into it. When I asked what they were he told me that he’d used a combination of Lipofuze, “dexi something” (his words not mine!), multi-vitamins, ginsing and four other hebal supplements and then, as if that wasn’t bad (unhealthy?) enough, that’s when he really got weird.
He chopped up some jalapeno peppers, two habanero peppers (did you know those are THE hottest peppers on Earth?) a half a cup of diced onion, a banana, and a whole cup of (user shudders) …. Ketchup and some Louisiana hot sauce.
Mind you, all this time he’s telling me about how his third cousin twice removed lost 150 pounds in six months by eating nothing but this miracle shake. I told him thank you but I’m allergic to habanero peppers and all combinations of ice cream and spicy vegetables and got out of there before he had a chance to insist I actually take a drink of that … monstrosity.
As for his third cousin twice removed, let’s just say that anybody on a diet of nothing but that concoction would lose weight alright, they’d be too busy suffering to think about food!
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