Mr. Zing’s Bogus Fountain of Youth

April 25th, 2010 | Posted in nutjob hills | Comments Off on Mr. Zing’s Bogus Fountain of Youth

Ok, it wasn’t really a “fountain” so much as it was a “treatment”. “Mr. Zing” (not his real name) is one of Nutjob Hills few immigrants from China. He had a shop in which he produced and sold a lot of old world Chinese home remedies for just about every ailment that you can name. In some ways he kinda reminded me a lot of the character Egg Shen in “Big Trouble in Little China”. In addition to his many herbal cures he also offered his services in Chinese black magic. He was a thoroughly inscrutable old guy who tended to curse in Chinese when he was annoyed or frustrated.

One of the many (usually unsubstantiated) rumors that circulated about him was that he had a “fountain of youth” treatment that would take ten years off of any man’s life. When I heard about this one I have to admit that I was curious. Not because I’m concerned about aging but because I’ve seen some really strange things that people would do to fight off the advancing years.

One local resident would bathe in a mixture of raw eggs, tapioca pudding and soy sauce every three months, claiming that each treatment increased his life span by four months. A woman down the street has a different idea. She covers herself from head to toe in prevera and leaves it on for a week straight before washing it off. She’ll then look mostly normal for three days and then she will repeat the treatment. I have no idea of it’s effectiveness but every time I see her without the coating she looks nice enough.

Then Mr. Zing started getting a lot of repeat business from middle aged men in town. None of them would ever reveal the nature of the treatment claiming that they had signed non disclosure agreements with rather stiff penalties. The truth finally came out one day last summer when one of his associates was somehow involved in an brilliant green explosion on the top floor of what turned out to be a brothel owned by a local shipping and trading company. Mr. Zing had made a deal with the brothel and was sending customers there, charging them twice the normal price and keeping the difference as a “referral fee”.

Mr. Zing and several others, including two women with startling green eyes disappeared that night and have not been seen since. The cause of the explosion or the reason for it’s brilliant green color have never been explained.

[tags]nutjob hills, humor, weird, big trouble, little china, egg shen, mr zing, green explosion[/tags]

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